Being Bored Can Be A Hazard To Your Dog's Ego

A while ago I got bored and decided to dress Chaz up for fun. He didn't like it when i put Win's Jacket on him and zipped it up. He had quite the difficulty walking. He looked like a bimbo walking on tippy toes trying to not mess up the pedicure. He didn't mind the wig experiment though. I think he looks very distinguished if you ask me.

Kayliegh on the other hand caught wind of my fun and trapped Marley in a closed canvas bag that holds the air mattress. Instead of taking a picture I rescued the dog while trying not laugh. I should of took the picture instead.

Hey You! Hey YOU over THERE!

If you are reading this right now you obviously show interest in this blog...so how about you send me some love and become a follower.

Atleast then I will know I'm not just writing this blog for shits and giggles. Who am I kidding...it's the best way to get out some fustration.

Mommy Needs a Prescription for Happy Pills

So let me start off by saying none of these stories have been exaggerated or from my imagination. Although I seem to feel like I live in my own world and talk to myself most of times... these stories really do all happen to me. I need my own lifetime drama show...or to write my own book about my life. I swear it's filled with daily explosions of eye catching events that others will find humorous although I don't.

So it hasn't been the greatest couple of days (almost a week now). Last week I decide to wear some cute new shoes to work... they felt really comfortable at first. Then by the end of the day I was missing my left heel. It was viciously ate off of my foot by my Hannibal Lecter heels... Where was my Jodie Foster to save me? I have decided this is why they must of named them heels...because they attach themselves viciously to your shoe and the shoes rob them from your body. Damn cruel shoe makers. This is what women have to go through to impress people... PAIN!

Not only was I gimp from my heel missing... I must of somehow pulled my inner thigh muscle? How? I don't know. But I do know that I look liked a gimp walking around the office all that day. I either looked like a gimp or I had a large stick up my ass...one of the two. I will go for the nicer of the two.

But to top those two things off I sit directly under the one foot by one foot ac unit at work. I felt like an Eskimo. I believe I may of reached hypothermia at a point during the day because I caught myself staring off into the bright light. The bright light that I thought would save me from my day of pain turned out to be just the fluorescent ceiling office lights. It was a let down for that moment in time.

So, that was just one day of this almost week long of hazing me into life. On Saturday I planted beautiful flowers all day long and every part of me actually broke into sweat...even the down there region which was a first for me in a long time. I'm not a sweating type of person. So you know I was really busting my ass with lawn work. Marley felt like showing me some appreciation the next day and ripped up all the freshly planted flowers. THANK YOU MARLEY! THAAAANK YOUUUU! (that would be the fuck you thank you).

On that Sunday we (ok...ME) were going to be having our yard sale. So my loving husband agreed to hang up the signs for me. BTW...yes, the yard sale was on a Sunday which is another long story. Well needless to say business was pretty slow and there was a lot of drama during the day (people getting pissy, Kayliegh getting scratched by a barn cat, people not listening). At the end of the yard sale time I drove around and picked up the flyers. I understand men don't always follow directions and it's best to write things down for them using as little of words as possible... so I did that. I made sure to write down on the back of each sign exactly where to put them (I sent him out with tape and a staple gun to make the sign posting easy enough a monkey could do it). I should of hired a monkey...either that or my loving husband sabotaged it on purpose so he would never have to hang a sign again. Not only were there missing signs, signs posted so you can't see them, there were also signs with the arrows to follow pointing in the wrong direction. I wouldn't of wanted to come to my own yard sale either...people most of thought the circus was holding this yard sale.

To top off my Sunday Kayliegh decided to dump an entire bottle of water behind her headboard. Her first reason was that the bottle was much to heavy for her to lift and drink. Then the truth came out and she finally told me the real reason which was not surprising and it was "because I felt like being mean". I told her "Fine, I feel like being mean too... you're grounded for a week...no noggin, no music in bed, no water in your room" her reaction was as follows "YOU HATE MY WHOLE BODY". I looked at her and said "Unfortunately for you it seems.... I love your whole body." then I simply walked out of her room.

Then my fabulous Monday starts... I should of known by me first off slamming my elbow into the door frame and falling to the ground in pain because it felt like it shattered into a million pieces that my day wasn't going to be good. I proceeded to go outside to herd the dogs in and noticed Marley the bastard dog has once again pulled up the flowers I just replanted. Greeeaaat!

So again I wear a nice new pair of shoes...this time sandals because I couldn't bear wearing anything that would touch my heel. So I go to work and after about 2 hours I'm once again in pain. This time it's my other foot...my nice new shoe wasn't nice after all it rubbed the top of my foot raw. I want to yell "GIVE ME A FREAKING BREAK HERE!!!!" but I put a bandage on it and mumble some things to myself instead. Next I'm walking through the office going about my "fabulous" day and then I step on a thumbtack that went through my sandal and directly and viciously into my big toe. AS IF I HADN'T OF BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH ALL READY!

Tuesday begins off just as great... I go to get Kay out of bed and she start scratching her body as if she's covered in human eating bugs (or maybe my heels and sandals were attacking her too). So I say "Whaaaat are youuuu dooooing???" Of course I knew what she was doing but it just seemed to fit. She in return painfully and half a sleep moans "I'm sooooooo iiiiitchyyyyy!'. I'm thinking great I hope it's not the rash I saw a few days ago and figured it was heat rash because it wasn't itchy. Needless to say it was the rash. Great, I have to take her to the doctor because I know she will go to school and tell the teacher she has an itchy rash and that I (her mom) knows about it. So I schedule the doctors appointment and take her in (job was very understanding thankfully).

Doctor walks in and says all cheerfully and smiley "Hey ladies, how's everything going? How's MARRIED life????!!!!" this is what I say in return "Weeeelll... I sure could use some happy pills and she could use some calming pills (meaning Kay of course)". Obviously he didn't take me seriously even though I was serious... because I didn't score. So anyways he has no clue what this rash is BIG SURPRISE. But he did write a prescription for some medication to help with her migraines. I go to fill the prescription at Walmart and do my half an hour wait time by walking around the store and buying things I don't need and hearing my child moan about things she wants. By the time I go to pick up the RX the sky is about to burst open into a massive storm. So I'm trying to hurry... then the dude tells me it's not ready. I ask okay how much longer. Turns out muuuuch longer because evidentally the medication isn't approved for children under the age of 6 even though she is 5 and a half they have to check with every research there is including the drug company. Then he asks what it's for... I tell him for her migraines then he give sme a pity sad face and says he will call me when they find out. So no medication for her and a hundred dollars later we go home and get there just in time before the hail pounded our house.

Which brings me to today... Wednesday...Hump Day... I decided today will be the day I finally eat the frozen dinner I brought last week. So I go to heat up the tortellini meal in the lounge microwave. After waiting 3 minutes I open the microwave to stir as directed. But I can't stir it because it's to frozen solid. So I pop it in again and cuss the microwave to myself. I make sure I hear it go on... I wait my 3 minutes again. Open the door and again the piece of shit is frozen. SO I cuss about it and walk back to the office and ask one of the girls if I'm retarded or the microwave it. She tells me it's the microwave and tells me that I have to sit and hold the door button lightly the whole time to make it work. So I go and do this. Now that it's been at least 15 minutes into my hour lunch break my frozen dinner is done. FINALLY! I open it up to stir it and notice there are only 10 tortellinis in the frozen "meal" the rest of the weight came from the sauce they decided to fill the entire dish with. I'm thinking WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GOING TO DO FOR MY APPETITE! So I walk back to the office with this meal that has robbed me that should have been in the snack section and cuss about it some more. Now I have about a half an hour to eat... so I say screw it and haul ass to the grocery store and get their fried chicken from their restaurant and eat it as fast and I can. I throw the tortellini in the trash because it ended up tasting like crap anyways.

Let's see what fun surprises the rest of the week has for me in store. So far tonight Kayliegh has been good. I'm keeping my fingers crossed as she is brushing her teeth and getting ready for bed.

Mommy really could use some happy pills doc!

Shake It Like Beyonce

I plan to make her practice this until she can do it just like Beyonce. It's the best way to get some of her hyper energy out.

Parenting Schmarenting

So I started a job this week which now allows me to get away from home for about 9 hours a day for 5 days a week. Kind of nice and kind of cruel all at the same time. It's exhausting waking up at a decent time and not being able to do whatever you want to do on a daily basis. Sometimes I miss that. After being unemployed for 6 months because you're over qualified for positions in your bum fuck area of living you become used to your life. (If you know how to turn on a computer you're screwed around here. )

Lucky for me I found a great job that is up my alley, with decent pay for the area, and benefits from day one. Benefits are not something you see company's giving out here. I guess that is why most people are missing their teeth. Usually the most you get paid is minimum wage for your slave work. But I lucked out.

Anyways, I took my lunch break yesterday and drove down to the pizza place, that has everything delicious. I got a yummy steak and cheese sandwich. I have to say my favorite part of the sandwich was the fresh baked bread. MMMMMM. I love bread. I think I could survive on the following items on a daily basis if I could.... coffee, soda, bread, butter, cereal, oatmeal creme pies, and cigarettes. Yeah, I'm a real healthy person I know. Don't judge... you would live on it too if you could.

Well on my way back to work after picking up my lunch I spotted some great parenting skills. On the road in which I was driving (which is considered a major highway where I live) there was a mother and child. The child from a distance looked to be no older then 5 or 6. He was no taller than his mothers' hip. Which is about how tall Kayliegh is, so, this is how I decided how old he was. They were walking on the side of the road towards on coming traffic. The mother, which this the only good sense she had, was walking close to the road and her son was on the other side of her furthest from the road. But then he would speed up and fall behind her. Quite a few times I witnessed him reach for her hand to hold for security. Did this bitch hold his hand? NO! Every time he would reach for her hand she would smack his hand away. WHO DOES THIS?!?!

Now, we are a tourist area and get a lot of people from DC around here. So I'm thinking that bitch must of not been from around here. She had to be from a ghetto part of DC where parenting skills are taught to you from the homeless drunk high on crack guy on the street in his cardboard box. What I witnessed bothered me all day long...and obviously today it still bothers me.

Don't get me wrong, I don't always want my daughter attached to my hip and she drives me to the point of wanting to commit myself to a loony bin or walking into oncoming traffic sometimes (but never would because as much as I complain about my life I do love it). But never ever would I put her in dangers way. And if I was in this lady's position and felt that I HAD to walk where she was walking you better damn well be sure I would either be holding her hand or carrying her heavy ass. But there was plenty of room up in the grass for them to be walking on this rainy day. You never know when a car will skid on the rain and go out of control.

Some parents really urke me to the point of wanting to slap, punch, or kick some sense into their asses. Parenting is a gift not to be taken for granted. There are a lot of people out there who want children and can't. If you don't want your child and you can't be a good parent because you don't have common sense then allow someone else who wants and craves it to be.

Parenting obviously isn't easy and kids do drive you nuts but they also show you how strong you can be as a person in this crazy place we call life.

The Adventures of the Half Assed House

This one is for you Meg...

So I moved into what I thought was a beautiful starter home last November. Of course I knew it would require a little work since it is a older home. Little did I know what I was in store for.

Let me start this off by saying I hate being an adult. I despise it. I really wish I was a kid again with no care in the world. Life was so easy and my child doesn't seem to understand this... in her eyes life is horrible and difficult at her age. What I can't watch Noggin? ALLLL LIFE WILL END IF I CAN'T WATCH NOGGIN AND EAT ICECREAM. YOU MIGHT AS WELL DROP ME OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE OR ON AN ISLAND BEING SWARMED BY SHARKS. This is what she must think... this is what I think she thinks because of her unruly tantrums, back talking, and the way she screams and cries like someone just got decapitated. (you laugh but you really have no idea of how high pitched she can scream...it's send shivers to your bones).

Anyways, back to the lovely starter home. Come to find out at closing of why the wife was getting a divorce from her husband and the need to sell the house was because he was a Oxycontin pumping OCD type of loser. Yes, he got thrown in jail for an armed robbery w/ a sawed off shot gun (which he happened to saw off here in our new lovely starter home garage- clamp is still in place to the work bench) at the local pharmacy (which everyone knows about because we live in a small town where everyone knows everyone). Good thing for him that there was an off duty cop there filling his prescription (maybe it was the cop's prescription that our druggie lame friend happened to get his hands on with a sawed off shoot gun). Needless to say I'm pretty sure the dude was on drugs when he did everything to this house.

Everything is fine from a distance and from viewing site but once you look closely or around the corner at it... it's totally jacked up or not done. Take for example our shed... great shed from 3 angles but if you walk to the 4 th side that doesn't face viewing eye you will clearly see that the shed is not nearly done. It's missing siding, paint, a real door... it basically looks like a piece of shitty plywood.

When we first walked through the house the thing that stuck out the most to me was the fact that there was no bathroom door on the master bedroom's bathroom. This must of been because of his OCD and over controlling ways that he forced his wife to piss and shit in front of him to make sure she used the proper amount of toilet paper, wiped correctly, flushed the proper amount of times, and followed the correct steps to positive hand washing. This may have been the case but come to find out when we put a door on the bathroom (because to hell if my husband was going to watch me take care of business and I sure as hell didn't want to watch him) the door smashes directly into the toilet at opening and gives you maybe about a foot of room to walk into the bathroom. You can't have the bathroom door open when you are in there...not really possible...claustrophobia kicks in. You ask why not just make it so the door swings out into the room. Good thinking... but that is not possible either because we have over sized furniture squished into a small master bedroom so therefor we are dealing with the shoebox bathroom and Satan's door.

Then there was the never ending dishwasher fiasco that went on for months. First thing that happened was someone had a brilliant idea of moving the dishwasher to the house on it's side... which caused any excess water in the dishwasher to fry the whole control panel. This dishwasher became our drying rack for quite a few months and cost just as much as a new dishwasher because we bought parts to fix it which didn't fix it and now we lost the receipt so we can't return the damn parts. My husband bought another used dishwasher. In the process of installing it he broke a few pipes or something because there always seemed to be water flowing out from under my kitchen sink. Finally he got it fixed. I go to use it and it errors over and over and over again. We check the manual and figure out that the dumbass who lived here before us installed the dishwasher pipe thingy ma jig to the cold water line vs. the hot water line (why my husband didn't see this while installing is beyond me)...thus making perfect sense of why my dishes continually came out dirty. We finally fixed it. Now that we have bought two used dishwashers plus parts to fix the first one...oh also add on the parts to fix the broken pipes and valves that occurred during installation and we could of had a brand spanking new dishwasher.

One day I'm squirting off a plate in the sink with the sprayer. Now this sprayer always gives me problems from day one of living in the house. It constantly gets stuck and refuses to turn off from spraying position. I constantly pleaded with my husband to fix it. So anyways it gets stuck again... I somehow drop the hand sprayer because I'm frustrated and trying to fix it and put the nice sprayed off dish to the side. Water starts spraying all over the kitchen... the fridge, the pantry, the wall, the ceiling, the floor, and of course me. Its like a freaking comical tv show, although it's not because it's my life. I go to Walmart buy the 97 cent replacement sprayer hand it to my husband and say look only 97 cents. As if to say, why wasn't this done sooner?

To top off many of our half assed house moments here's a real kicker... We are on well water here...because we live in the country. So in order to have nice clean and none rotten egg smelling water a "Rust Master Water Filter System" was installed in the house by the previous home owner. YAY Right? Wrong. Like I said everything is half assed here. So I notice the rust a long time ago but a few weeks ago it kept getting worse I would wash my white laundry and it would come out rust orange (my husband would argue that I must of had something mixed in... but not the case and he would eat his words later...which he has done a few times). I finally call the tech to come look at it. He looks at the system in disbelief (side note: In the disclosure it noted everything was in proper working order). Turns out it was struck by lightening a few years ago and they put in a whole new system then (he was the tech who installed it). He's looking at it in disbelief because he then clues me in that two major components to make the system even work are not there anymore. Needless to say we have been bathing, drinking, and doing laundry in dirty water. Greeeeat does not surprise me...half is there and half is gone just like the rest of the house. It would cost us $1000 dollars to get the correct parts...luckily for us the tech knew a guy who was selling his for $500.

Just burns my ass. If you can't do it right don't even attempt it...especially if you don't plan on finishing it.

So what...

Why yes, yes I am posting many rants today. This is because I am sitting in the room across from my child's room trying to get her to go to bed. AKA playing hall monitor. She gets up out of bed every 5 minutes because she feels she needs to enter into the rest of the house for a drink, tell me she's hunger, tantrum about not being tired, or whatever else she has the sudden urge to do.

Not only am I a mom, full time employee, wife, janitor, maid, laundry attendent, chef, dog trainer, pool boy, pharmist, doctor, errand girl, negotiator, slave, go to girl, and bouncer, I am also a hall monitor. I'm almost positive I could add at least 20 more titles to myself... I should just start referencing them on my resumes.