The Adventures of the Half Assed House

This one is for you Meg...

So I moved into what I thought was a beautiful starter home last November. Of course I knew it would require a little work since it is a older home. Little did I know what I was in store for.

Let me start this off by saying I hate being an adult. I despise it. I really wish I was a kid again with no care in the world. Life was so easy and my child doesn't seem to understand this... in her eyes life is horrible and difficult at her age. What I can't watch Noggin? ALLLL LIFE WILL END IF I CAN'T WATCH NOGGIN AND EAT ICECREAM. YOU MIGHT AS WELL DROP ME OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE OR ON AN ISLAND BEING SWARMED BY SHARKS. This is what she must think... this is what I think she thinks because of her unruly tantrums, back talking, and the way she screams and cries like someone just got decapitated. (you laugh but you really have no idea of how high pitched she can scream...it's send shivers to your bones).

Anyways, back to the lovely starter home. Come to find out at closing of why the wife was getting a divorce from her husband and the need to sell the house was because he was a Oxycontin pumping OCD type of loser. Yes, he got thrown in jail for an armed robbery w/ a sawed off shot gun (which he happened to saw off here in our new lovely starter home garage- clamp is still in place to the work bench) at the local pharmacy (which everyone knows about because we live in a small town where everyone knows everyone). Good thing for him that there was an off duty cop there filling his prescription (maybe it was the cop's prescription that our druggie lame friend happened to get his hands on with a sawed off shoot gun). Needless to say I'm pretty sure the dude was on drugs when he did everything to this house.

Everything is fine from a distance and from viewing site but once you look closely or around the corner at it... it's totally jacked up or not done. Take for example our shed... great shed from 3 angles but if you walk to the 4 th side that doesn't face viewing eye you will clearly see that the shed is not nearly done. It's missing siding, paint, a real door... it basically looks like a piece of shitty plywood.

When we first walked through the house the thing that stuck out the most to me was the fact that there was no bathroom door on the master bedroom's bathroom. This must of been because of his OCD and over controlling ways that he forced his wife to piss and shit in front of him to make sure she used the proper amount of toilet paper, wiped correctly, flushed the proper amount of times, and followed the correct steps to positive hand washing. This may have been the case but come to find out when we put a door on the bathroom (because to hell if my husband was going to watch me take care of business and I sure as hell didn't want to watch him) the door smashes directly into the toilet at opening and gives you maybe about a foot of room to walk into the bathroom. You can't have the bathroom door open when you are in there...not really possible...claustrophobia kicks in. You ask why not just make it so the door swings out into the room. Good thinking... but that is not possible either because we have over sized furniture squished into a small master bedroom so therefor we are dealing with the shoebox bathroom and Satan's door.

Then there was the never ending dishwasher fiasco that went on for months. First thing that happened was someone had a brilliant idea of moving the dishwasher to the house on it's side... which caused any excess water in the dishwasher to fry the whole control panel. This dishwasher became our drying rack for quite a few months and cost just as much as a new dishwasher because we bought parts to fix it which didn't fix it and now we lost the receipt so we can't return the damn parts. My husband bought another used dishwasher. In the process of installing it he broke a few pipes or something because there always seemed to be water flowing out from under my kitchen sink. Finally he got it fixed. I go to use it and it errors over and over and over again. We check the manual and figure out that the dumbass who lived here before us installed the dishwasher pipe thingy ma jig to the cold water line vs. the hot water line (why my husband didn't see this while installing is beyond me)...thus making perfect sense of why my dishes continually came out dirty. We finally fixed it. Now that we have bought two used dishwashers plus parts to fix the first one...oh also add on the parts to fix the broken pipes and valves that occurred during installation and we could of had a brand spanking new dishwasher.

One day I'm squirting off a plate in the sink with the sprayer. Now this sprayer always gives me problems from day one of living in the house. It constantly gets stuck and refuses to turn off from spraying position. I constantly pleaded with my husband to fix it. So anyways it gets stuck again... I somehow drop the hand sprayer because I'm frustrated and trying to fix it and put the nice sprayed off dish to the side. Water starts spraying all over the kitchen... the fridge, the pantry, the wall, the ceiling, the floor, and of course me. Its like a freaking comical tv show, although it's not because it's my life. I go to Walmart buy the 97 cent replacement sprayer hand it to my husband and say look only 97 cents. As if to say, why wasn't this done sooner?

To top off many of our half assed house moments here's a real kicker... We are on well water here...because we live in the country. So in order to have nice clean and none rotten egg smelling water a "Rust Master Water Filter System" was installed in the house by the previous home owner. YAY Right? Wrong. Like I said everything is half assed here. So I notice the rust a long time ago but a few weeks ago it kept getting worse I would wash my white laundry and it would come out rust orange (my husband would argue that I must of had something mixed in... but not the case and he would eat his words later...which he has done a few times). I finally call the tech to come look at it. He looks at the system in disbelief (side note: In the disclosure it noted everything was in proper working order). Turns out it was struck by lightening a few years ago and they put in a whole new system then (he was the tech who installed it). He's looking at it in disbelief because he then clues me in that two major components to make the system even work are not there anymore. Needless to say we have been bathing, drinking, and doing laundry in dirty water. Greeeeat does not surprise me...half is there and half is gone just like the rest of the house. It would cost us $1000 dollars to get the correct parts...luckily for us the tech knew a guy who was selling his for $500.

Just burns my ass. If you can't do it right don't even attempt it...especially if you don't plan on finishing it.