Federally Funded Schools In Western Maryland Teach You Maturity...

So tonight as I'm going through Kayliegh's little notebook she has been drawing in I come accross a picture that shocks me. Is this what I think it is?!?! If so... how the hell does she know about this?

I head to Kayliegh's room since she's not sleeping yet and ask her what this picture is of. She says cats. I say yes, I see that they are cats but what are these? (pointing to the "region") Kayliegh's response "Weiners!". I ask her who told her about weiners and what does she know about them and to be honest and don't lie. Her response is "______ (same bastard child) says this is my weiner and hits it in front of me" I ask what else does he do and she says "He calls me a fucking asshole or a fucking bitch if I don't share or let him have something". I ask her if he shows her his weiner or tries to get her to touch and she says no. I of course ask if he tries to look at her privates or touch her and she says no. I ask what the teachers say when he says and does these things. She says they just tell him no.

What the hell is wrong with kids these days? This obviously has something to do with his home environment...seriously especially considering my child says this 5 year old boy still wears diapers. This is the kid that parents have filed complaints about with the manager of the facility and still nothing has been done.These parents need to be questioned and find out what the hell is going on at his home that's causing him to act in these manners. I'm going into that school tomorrow and demanding he gets kicked out or I will go to the congressman or whoever and file a complaint. This is ridiculous. My 5 year old daughter should not be hearing these things from kids her age at school/daycare. What are you teaching our kids when you as a teacher and facility manager allow this to continue. You are teaching them that this behavior is okay when it is not in any way shape or form.

Please pass the toe pillow...

Kayliegh: "My toes hurt...they rub together... I need toe pillows like Grandma Lin so they can rest!"

Me: "Kay those are for bunions"

Kayliegh: "Whaaaat's a bunion?!?!"

Me: "Booboos on your toes from wearing too tight of shoes, fancy shoes, or being on your feet all day" Kayliegh: "So they aren't pillows?!?"

Me: "Nope"

Kayliegh looked a little upset they weren't actual pillows so your toes can rest.

Western Maryland at it's finest...

Moving to Western Maryland I expected change... but most of this change that I have found in the past months have not what I have expected in the least.



If you could go into a time machine back when cavemen dragged their woman around by their hair and beat them over the heads with clubs you would find where I live.



Well okay maybe I'm exaggerating but I have never in my life been in a place that is so lacking technology and knowledge. Not even technology and knowledge of engineers, biochemists, and inventors but these attributes that we commonly call common sense.



Between the medical world, law enforcement, and child care here you can only ponder how is it that so many people survive here.



I shit you not... here is some prime examples of my lucky days here in good ole vacation land Western Maryland. Vacation land not only because it's a tourist trap but because everyone who has moved here or lives here becomes lazy and loses brain cells by the day.



Medical:

Went to the emergency room with low blood pressure, body shaking uncontrollably, feet blue in color, shivering, extreme pain in my carotid artery, and could no longer speak because my brain could no longer function correctly to get the words out of my mouth. Instead of trying to help me and find out what's wrong they in turn decide to...

1.) Try to convince me I'm deeply depressed

2.) When that didn't work they tried to convince me I was in a physically abusive relationship. That I was either being beat (they explained to me a punch is a hit to the body with a closed fist; you know just in case I didn't understand what they were trying to convince me of), raped (again the medical professional explained to me what the definition was; to have sex against my will if I said no and the person had sex with me anyways), or I had been strangled (this was due to my carotid artery being in pain... the artery that assists in getting blood and oxygen to your brain). Not only did the triage nurse question me on these items over and over but the doctor did as well. Not only did he question me but he refused to allow my husband (you know the alleged "abuser") in the room while this was going on. They should have put the vagina light (the bright hot light they used during female vaginal exams) on me to make the investigation more powerful then maybe I would have talked. But since this didn't work the jackass finally allowed my husband in the room. Then when the abuser came in the only testing they did was a blood and urine test...both came up fine...which they always have. So pick another part of me jack nuts...maybe like the carotid artery in me neck. So Dr. Jack Nuts decided to try and convince me more that nothing is wrong with me and I'm just "depressed" in front of my husband. When this didn't work again he moved onto the next diagnosis which makes me wonder what medical school he went to.

3.) I just didn't want to be at work... so he gave me a doctors excuse for the day.



That my friend is what you call high end medical treatment in Garrett County Maryland. Needless to say I have been driving 2 hours to two specialists in Frederick Maryland now.


Childcare:

Between cross dressing, cussing, and hitting... childcare out here in very limited for a child who is more knowledgeable then most adults living in Garrett County. Kayliegh lucky for her... not so much for me sometimes considering she is too smart for my own good... is pretty intelligent and out shines most kids that are even quite a few years older then her so finding her a daycare and after school program that will both educate her and teach her manners in Garrett County is a very rare dinosaur.

1.) Go to a after school program that is "highly recommended" from the Elementary school she is attending. They give me directions and tell me most people miss the facility because it's a facility that doesn't look like a childcare..more like a house. This is where they have it all wrong... I enter the address into GPS. Miss the location, turn around, pull up a dirt drive and get to the "highly recommended" childcare facility. I stay in vehicle and observe a chain link fence with all little boys shirtless hanging on the chain link fence like monkeys in a zoo. Look at the facility which is actually a trailer. The person attending to the children walks out of the trailer doors (keep in mind nobody was watching the monkeys outside) and it's a large woman wearing spandex shorts a tank top way too tight while holding a baby on her hip. The only thought I had was where is her cigarette hanging from her mouth and the beer bottle in the hand? I proceed to pull away will being watched by the spandex clad woman and monkeys screeching. Kayliegh asks why aren't we going in and seeing the daycare I say because I haven't had my vaccines in quite sometime. I could only imagine the infestations brewing in the facility.

2.) Luckily she gets into a facility (a actual building that looks like a childcare) that takes her to and from school. This daycare is actually open and running during normal times (most close at 430...so what if you work a normal job til 5...normal jobs are rarely heard of in Vacation Land). I was pretty jazzed especially feeling that I got her away from the little cross dressing, cursing, and hitting little bastards from her previous school. Two days later I bring her to school and notice the one kid who I hated from her previous school (yes, hate is a strong word to use against a child but you would too). He too is attending the only decent school in the area. DAMNIT!

3.)Kayliegh called me a dumbass and ask her where she learned it and she said from _____ at school (same bastard child as before). I talk to the manager from the school about it. She tells me that she has had many complaints from parents regarding it. I tell her I warned them as soon as I saw that he was attending. Obviously, this is not a big enough issue for the manager to feel it's okay to kick the child out of the facility. But if you lived in Northern Virginia your damn right he would be.

4.)Kid hits Kayliegh...Kayliegh tells teacher...teacher says hit him back... I tell Kayliegh well do what the teacher says then (pretty sure it's the bastard child...but didn't ask). But that is some fine manners skills the teacher is putting into our little one's heads.

5.)Fill out paperwork for manager of school not once...not twice... but three times. Same paperwork that she swears I never filled out or she lost it so I have to do it again. She hands it to me a fourth time while I was running late for work. I state to her I filled it out three times and refuse to do it again. She asks if I have time to talk about the paper I need to fill out because it's important that she has the sheet filled out. I state if it's so important for you to have you shouldn't have lost it the first three times. Needless to say she put the paper in Kayliegh's book bag and I filled it out a fourth time with a nice note at the top... I will not fill it out a 5th time.

Law Enforcement has be deleted due to conflicting opinions...

Welcome to VACATION LAND the land of lost time, technology, and knowledge. Welcome my friends, WELCOME!

Being Bored Can Be A Hazard To Your Dog's Ego

A while ago I got bored and decided to dress Chaz up for fun. He didn't like it when i put Win's Jacket on him and zipped it up. He had quite the difficulty walking. He looked like a bimbo walking on tippy toes trying to not mess up the pedicure. He didn't mind the wig experiment though. I think he looks very distinguished if you ask me.

Kayliegh on the other hand caught wind of my fun and trapped Marley in a closed canvas bag that holds the air mattress. Instead of taking a picture I rescued the dog while trying not laugh. I should of took the picture instead.

Hey You! Hey YOU over THERE!

If you are reading this right now you obviously show interest in this blog...so how about you send me some love and become a follower.

Atleast then I will know I'm not just writing this blog for shits and giggles. Who am I kidding...it's the best way to get out some fustration.

Mommy Needs a Prescription for Happy Pills

So let me start off by saying none of these stories have been exaggerated or from my imagination. Although I seem to feel like I live in my own world and talk to myself most of times... these stories really do all happen to me. I need my own lifetime drama show...or to write my own book about my life. I swear it's filled with daily explosions of eye catching events that others will find humorous although I don't.

So it hasn't been the greatest couple of days (almost a week now). Last week I decide to wear some cute new shoes to work... they felt really comfortable at first. Then by the end of the day I was missing my left heel. It was viciously ate off of my foot by my Hannibal Lecter heels... Where was my Jodie Foster to save me? I have decided this is why they must of named them heels...because they attach themselves viciously to your shoe and the shoes rob them from your body. Damn cruel shoe makers. This is what women have to go through to impress people... PAIN!

Not only was I gimp from my heel missing... I must of somehow pulled my inner thigh muscle? How? I don't know. But I do know that I look liked a gimp walking around the office all that day. I either looked like a gimp or I had a large stick up my ass...one of the two. I will go for the nicer of the two.

But to top those two things off I sit directly under the one foot by one foot ac unit at work. I felt like an Eskimo. I believe I may of reached hypothermia at a point during the day because I caught myself staring off into the bright light. The bright light that I thought would save me from my day of pain turned out to be just the fluorescent ceiling office lights. It was a let down for that moment in time.

So, that was just one day of this almost week long of hazing me into life. On Saturday I planted beautiful flowers all day long and every part of me actually broke into sweat...even the down there region which was a first for me in a long time. I'm not a sweating type of person. So you know I was really busting my ass with lawn work. Marley felt like showing me some appreciation the next day and ripped up all the freshly planted flowers. THANK YOU MARLEY! THAAAANK YOUUUU! (that would be the fuck you thank you).

On that Sunday we (ok...ME) were going to be having our yard sale. So my loving husband agreed to hang up the signs for me. BTW...yes, the yard sale was on a Sunday which is another long story. Well needless to say business was pretty slow and there was a lot of drama during the day (people getting pissy, Kayliegh getting scratched by a barn cat, people not listening). At the end of the yard sale time I drove around and picked up the flyers. I understand men don't always follow directions and it's best to write things down for them using as little of words as possible... so I did that. I made sure to write down on the back of each sign exactly where to put them (I sent him out with tape and a staple gun to make the sign posting easy enough a monkey could do it). I should of hired a monkey...either that or my loving husband sabotaged it on purpose so he would never have to hang a sign again. Not only were there missing signs, signs posted so you can't see them, there were also signs with the arrows to follow pointing in the wrong direction. I wouldn't of wanted to come to my own yard sale either...people most of thought the circus was holding this yard sale.

To top off my Sunday Kayliegh decided to dump an entire bottle of water behind her headboard. Her first reason was that the bottle was much to heavy for her to lift and drink. Then the truth came out and she finally told me the real reason which was not surprising and it was "because I felt like being mean". I told her "Fine, I feel like being mean too... you're grounded for a week...no noggin, no music in bed, no water in your room" her reaction was as follows "YOU HATE MY WHOLE BODY". I looked at her and said "Unfortunately for you it seems.... I love your whole body." then I simply walked out of her room.

Then my fabulous Monday starts... I should of known by me first off slamming my elbow into the door frame and falling to the ground in pain because it felt like it shattered into a million pieces that my day wasn't going to be good. I proceeded to go outside to herd the dogs in and noticed Marley the bastard dog has once again pulled up the flowers I just replanted. Greeeaaat!

So again I wear a nice new pair of shoes...this time sandals because I couldn't bear wearing anything that would touch my heel. So I go to work and after about 2 hours I'm once again in pain. This time it's my other foot...my nice new shoe wasn't nice after all it rubbed the top of my foot raw. I want to yell "GIVE ME A FREAKING BREAK HERE!!!!" but I put a bandage on it and mumble some things to myself instead. Next I'm walking through the office going about my "fabulous" day and then I step on a thumbtack that went through my sandal and directly and viciously into my big toe. AS IF I HADN'T OF BEEN THROUGH ENOUGH ALL READY!

Tuesday begins off just as great... I go to get Kay out of bed and she start scratching her body as if she's covered in human eating bugs (or maybe my heels and sandals were attacking her too). So I say "Whaaaat are youuuu dooooing???" Of course I knew what she was doing but it just seemed to fit. She in return painfully and half a sleep moans "I'm sooooooo iiiiitchyyyyy!'. I'm thinking great I hope it's not the rash I saw a few days ago and figured it was heat rash because it wasn't itchy. Needless to say it was the rash. Great, I have to take her to the doctor because I know she will go to school and tell the teacher she has an itchy rash and that I (her mom) knows about it. So I schedule the doctors appointment and take her in (job was very understanding thankfully).

Doctor walks in and says all cheerfully and smiley "Hey ladies, how's everything going? How's MARRIED life????!!!!" this is what I say in return "Weeeelll... I sure could use some happy pills and she could use some calming pills (meaning Kay of course)". Obviously he didn't take me seriously even though I was serious... because I didn't score. So anyways he has no clue what this rash is BIG SURPRISE. But he did write a prescription for some medication to help with her migraines. I go to fill the prescription at Walmart and do my half an hour wait time by walking around the store and buying things I don't need and hearing my child moan about things she wants. By the time I go to pick up the RX the sky is about to burst open into a massive storm. So I'm trying to hurry... then the dude tells me it's not ready. I ask okay how much longer. Turns out muuuuch longer because evidentally the medication isn't approved for children under the age of 6 even though she is 5 and a half they have to check with every research there is including the drug company. Then he asks what it's for... I tell him for her migraines then he give sme a pity sad face and says he will call me when they find out. So no medication for her and a hundred dollars later we go home and get there just in time before the hail pounded our house.

Which brings me to today... Wednesday...Hump Day... I decided today will be the day I finally eat the frozen dinner I brought last week. So I go to heat up the tortellini meal in the lounge microwave. After waiting 3 minutes I open the microwave to stir as directed. But I can't stir it because it's to frozen solid. So I pop it in again and cuss the microwave to myself. I make sure I hear it go on... I wait my 3 minutes again. Open the door and again the piece of shit is frozen. SO I cuss about it and walk back to the office and ask one of the girls if I'm retarded or the microwave it. She tells me it's the microwave and tells me that I have to sit and hold the door button lightly the whole time to make it work. So I go and do this. Now that it's been at least 15 minutes into my hour lunch break my frozen dinner is done. FINALLY! I open it up to stir it and notice there are only 10 tortellinis in the frozen "meal" the rest of the weight came from the sauce they decided to fill the entire dish with. I'm thinking WHAT THE HELL IS THIS GOING TO DO FOR MY APPETITE! So I walk back to the office with this meal that has robbed me that should have been in the snack section and cuss about it some more. Now I have about a half an hour to eat... so I say screw it and haul ass to the grocery store and get their fried chicken from their restaurant and eat it as fast and I can. I throw the tortellini in the trash because it ended up tasting like crap anyways.

Let's see what fun surprises the rest of the week has for me in store. So far tonight Kayliegh has been good. I'm keeping my fingers crossed as she is brushing her teeth and getting ready for bed.

Mommy really could use some happy pills doc!

Shake It Like Beyonce

I plan to make her practice this until she can do it just like Beyonce. It's the best way to get some of her hyper energy out.

Parenting Schmarenting

So I started a job this week which now allows me to get away from home for about 9 hours a day for 5 days a week. Kind of nice and kind of cruel all at the same time. It's exhausting waking up at a decent time and not being able to do whatever you want to do on a daily basis. Sometimes I miss that. After being unemployed for 6 months because you're over qualified for positions in your bum fuck area of living you become used to your life. (If you know how to turn on a computer you're screwed around here. )

Lucky for me I found a great job that is up my alley, with decent pay for the area, and benefits from day one. Benefits are not something you see company's giving out here. I guess that is why most people are missing their teeth. Usually the most you get paid is minimum wage for your slave work. But I lucked out.

Anyways, I took my lunch break yesterday and drove down to the pizza place, that has everything delicious. I got a yummy steak and cheese sandwich. I have to say my favorite part of the sandwich was the fresh baked bread. MMMMMM. I love bread. I think I could survive on the following items on a daily basis if I could.... coffee, soda, bread, butter, cereal, oatmeal creme pies, and cigarettes. Yeah, I'm a real healthy person I know. Don't judge... you would live on it too if you could.

Well on my way back to work after picking up my lunch I spotted some great parenting skills. On the road in which I was driving (which is considered a major highway where I live) there was a mother and child. The child from a distance looked to be no older then 5 or 6. He was no taller than his mothers' hip. Which is about how tall Kayliegh is, so, this is how I decided how old he was. They were walking on the side of the road towards on coming traffic. The mother, which this the only good sense she had, was walking close to the road and her son was on the other side of her furthest from the road. But then he would speed up and fall behind her. Quite a few times I witnessed him reach for her hand to hold for security. Did this bitch hold his hand? NO! Every time he would reach for her hand she would smack his hand away. WHO DOES THIS?!?!

Now, we are a tourist area and get a lot of people from DC around here. So I'm thinking that bitch must of not been from around here. She had to be from a ghetto part of DC where parenting skills are taught to you from the homeless drunk high on crack guy on the street in his cardboard box. What I witnessed bothered me all day long...and obviously today it still bothers me.

Don't get me wrong, I don't always want my daughter attached to my hip and she drives me to the point of wanting to commit myself to a loony bin or walking into oncoming traffic sometimes (but never would because as much as I complain about my life I do love it). But never ever would I put her in dangers way. And if I was in this lady's position and felt that I HAD to walk where she was walking you better damn well be sure I would either be holding her hand or carrying her heavy ass. But there was plenty of room up in the grass for them to be walking on this rainy day. You never know when a car will skid on the rain and go out of control.

Some parents really urke me to the point of wanting to slap, punch, or kick some sense into their asses. Parenting is a gift not to be taken for granted. There are a lot of people out there who want children and can't. If you don't want your child and you can't be a good parent because you don't have common sense then allow someone else who wants and craves it to be.

Parenting obviously isn't easy and kids do drive you nuts but they also show you how strong you can be as a person in this crazy place we call life.

The Adventures of the Half Assed House

This one is for you Meg...

So I moved into what I thought was a beautiful starter home last November. Of course I knew it would require a little work since it is a older home. Little did I know what I was in store for.

Let me start this off by saying I hate being an adult. I despise it. I really wish I was a kid again with no care in the world. Life was so easy and my child doesn't seem to understand this... in her eyes life is horrible and difficult at her age. What I can't watch Noggin? ALLLL LIFE WILL END IF I CAN'T WATCH NOGGIN AND EAT ICECREAM. YOU MIGHT AS WELL DROP ME OFF IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE OR ON AN ISLAND BEING SWARMED BY SHARKS. This is what she must think... this is what I think she thinks because of her unruly tantrums, back talking, and the way she screams and cries like someone just got decapitated. (you laugh but you really have no idea of how high pitched she can scream...it's send shivers to your bones).

Anyways, back to the lovely starter home. Come to find out at closing of why the wife was getting a divorce from her husband and the need to sell the house was because he was a Oxycontin pumping OCD type of loser. Yes, he got thrown in jail for an armed robbery w/ a sawed off shot gun (which he happened to saw off here in our new lovely starter home garage- clamp is still in place to the work bench) at the local pharmacy (which everyone knows about because we live in a small town where everyone knows everyone). Good thing for him that there was an off duty cop there filling his prescription (maybe it was the cop's prescription that our druggie lame friend happened to get his hands on with a sawed off shoot gun). Needless to say I'm pretty sure the dude was on drugs when he did everything to this house.

Everything is fine from a distance and from viewing site but once you look closely or around the corner at it... it's totally jacked up or not done. Take for example our shed... great shed from 3 angles but if you walk to the 4 th side that doesn't face viewing eye you will clearly see that the shed is not nearly done. It's missing siding, paint, a real door... it basically looks like a piece of shitty plywood.

When we first walked through the house the thing that stuck out the most to me was the fact that there was no bathroom door on the master bedroom's bathroom. This must of been because of his OCD and over controlling ways that he forced his wife to piss and shit in front of him to make sure she used the proper amount of toilet paper, wiped correctly, flushed the proper amount of times, and followed the correct steps to positive hand washing. This may have been the case but come to find out when we put a door on the bathroom (because to hell if my husband was going to watch me take care of business and I sure as hell didn't want to watch him) the door smashes directly into the toilet at opening and gives you maybe about a foot of room to walk into the bathroom. You can't have the bathroom door open when you are in there...not really possible...claustrophobia kicks in. You ask why not just make it so the door swings out into the room. Good thinking... but that is not possible either because we have over sized furniture squished into a small master bedroom so therefor we are dealing with the shoebox bathroom and Satan's door.

Then there was the never ending dishwasher fiasco that went on for months. First thing that happened was someone had a brilliant idea of moving the dishwasher to the house on it's side... which caused any excess water in the dishwasher to fry the whole control panel. This dishwasher became our drying rack for quite a few months and cost just as much as a new dishwasher because we bought parts to fix it which didn't fix it and now we lost the receipt so we can't return the damn parts. My husband bought another used dishwasher. In the process of installing it he broke a few pipes or something because there always seemed to be water flowing out from under my kitchen sink. Finally he got it fixed. I go to use it and it errors over and over and over again. We check the manual and figure out that the dumbass who lived here before us installed the dishwasher pipe thingy ma jig to the cold water line vs. the hot water line (why my husband didn't see this while installing is beyond me)...thus making perfect sense of why my dishes continually came out dirty. We finally fixed it. Now that we have bought two used dishwashers plus parts to fix the first one...oh also add on the parts to fix the broken pipes and valves that occurred during installation and we could of had a brand spanking new dishwasher.

One day I'm squirting off a plate in the sink with the sprayer. Now this sprayer always gives me problems from day one of living in the house. It constantly gets stuck and refuses to turn off from spraying position. I constantly pleaded with my husband to fix it. So anyways it gets stuck again... I somehow drop the hand sprayer because I'm frustrated and trying to fix it and put the nice sprayed off dish to the side. Water starts spraying all over the kitchen... the fridge, the pantry, the wall, the ceiling, the floor, and of course me. Its like a freaking comical tv show, although it's not because it's my life. I go to Walmart buy the 97 cent replacement sprayer hand it to my husband and say look only 97 cents. As if to say, why wasn't this done sooner?

To top off many of our half assed house moments here's a real kicker... We are on well water here...because we live in the country. So in order to have nice clean and none rotten egg smelling water a "Rust Master Water Filter System" was installed in the house by the previous home owner. YAY Right? Wrong. Like I said everything is half assed here. So I notice the rust a long time ago but a few weeks ago it kept getting worse I would wash my white laundry and it would come out rust orange (my husband would argue that I must of had something mixed in... but not the case and he would eat his words later...which he has done a few times). I finally call the tech to come look at it. He looks at the system in disbelief (side note: In the disclosure it noted everything was in proper working order). Turns out it was struck by lightening a few years ago and they put in a whole new system then (he was the tech who installed it). He's looking at it in disbelief because he then clues me in that two major components to make the system even work are not there anymore. Needless to say we have been bathing, drinking, and doing laundry in dirty water. Greeeeat does not surprise me...half is there and half is gone just like the rest of the house. It would cost us $1000 dollars to get the correct parts...luckily for us the tech knew a guy who was selling his for $500.

Just burns my ass. If you can't do it right don't even attempt it...especially if you don't plan on finishing it.

So what...

Why yes, yes I am posting many rants today. This is because I am sitting in the room across from my child's room trying to get her to go to bed. AKA playing hall monitor. She gets up out of bed every 5 minutes because she feels she needs to enter into the rest of the house for a drink, tell me she's hunger, tantrum about not being tired, or whatever else she has the sudden urge to do.

Not only am I a mom, full time employee, wife, janitor, maid, laundry attendent, chef, dog trainer, pool boy, pharmist, doctor, errand girl, negotiator, slave, go to girl, and bouncer, I am also a hall monitor. I'm almost positive I could add at least 20 more titles to myself... I should just start referencing them on my resumes.

Someone please get this foot out of my mouth...

So, I have told Kayliegh over, over and OVER again to put her plate on the counter when she gets up from the table or the puppy will jump up and devour anything she has left. Meaning Marley gets quite the hefty course since Kayliegh always refuses to eat and tries to negotiate meals and snacks instead.

The other day Kayliegh came outside while Me, Win, and some of the guys were in the garage. I guess she decided she wanted to warn us she was going to go use the bathroom/ask permission to use it. I have no clue why this occurs with her. But anyways, Win told her to go ahead. Well of course she must of not put her plate on the counter because she would be returning back to eat her dinner.

May I mention this is the meal that was supposed to be her lunch that she refused to eat so I told her that she had to eat it for dinner then. A whole ordeal all day about negotiating her left over food and the fact that she couldn't have a snack until she ate it. So I was quite proud of myself for finally sticking to my guns and making her eat it for dinner. Well she didn't get the chance to eat it...

The next thing you know you hear Kayliegh yelling and crying bloody murder (this is how she always cries) at the front door "Marley ate my foooooood!" (end of the world occurs right at that very moment). I decided to say for some odd reason "Beat her ass" since I am always spanking this dog for jumping up on the table and eating food and other various things. Well I come inside trying to locate the bastard dog. I chase her around the house getting even more pissed. Kayliegh locates her in the bedroom hiding under our side table. Kayliegh yells "THERE SHE IS MOOOOM!" I ask where and she points under the table. I grab the bastard puppy and Kayliegh yells "BEAT HER ASSSSSS MOOOOM!".

Whooops this one was one me and not because of the cross dressing cult leaders at her school.

The Meaning of Love & Marriage

If you know my daughter then you know she has quite the wild imagination. Which of course is not a bad thing (okay, well sometimes it can get her into trouble). She is definitely full of explanations for everything and has a very mischievous curious way about her (which I admit scares me sometimes just thinking about what may happen each day).

Kayliegh has always been drawn to men/boys even as a baby. Believe me she definitely knew how to bat her eyes and get her way as a infant. This is exactly one reason why there will be bars on her window and a security system in place by the age of 12 maybe even at 10 seeing how as though kids act like little hoodlums these days.

Needless to say she has moved onto her second "boyfriend" now at the age of 5. It's a little boy from school who she says she loves. She told me he kisses her all over. Yes, of course I did what any other mom does and drilled her for answers. Where does he kiss you? How does he kiss you? Did your teachers see? But all answers seemed to be nothing out of the ordinary just a little peck on the cheek on the bus. Believe me I made sure to tell her where he and nobody else can kiss or touch. Just making sure no weirdo is out there groping my daughter.

So I asked her why is he your boyfriend... and here is our conversation:

Kayliegh "Well because I love him!" (as if a "duh mom" statement)

Me: "Why do you love him?"

Kayliegh: "We're going to get married."

Me: "Why are you getting married?"

Kayliegh: "Weeelllll.... because he is the same age as me and as tall as me!"

Me: "So let me get this right, you are boyfriend and girlfriend and love each other because you are the same age and same height?"

Kayliegh:"Exactly"

Me: "What about your other boyfriend? What's he going to think?"

Kayliegh: "He's not my boyfriend only _____ (name) is."

Me: "Why, because the other one wasn't your age and as tall as you?"

Kayliegh: "Yeup"

Me: "Oh, well that makes sense."

A few days later we had some guests come to our house. We brought up her boyfriend/fiance and decided to question her about it. She said the same things over again as our last conversation. But now she had decided she needed to sit down at the table and draw invitations for her wedding. In her mind the wedding was happening the next day. At some point she moved that date up to the same night as which we were talking. So we started drilling her and here are some of her answers to questions (some may be a bit out of order but you get the point)...

Us: "Where are you going to get married?"

Kayliegh: "In a church!!!" (another duh mom moment)

Us: "What are you going to wear? How are you going to find a dress at this hour?"

Kayliegh: "I will wear my flower girl dress"

Us: "Well that makes sense because it's white. Well how are you going to live? You don't work or drive."

Kayliegh: "He will work. And we will drive a soap box. It's the guys job to drive."

Us: "Remind me to fill in Win about that one. Since I drive most of the time."

Kayliegh: "Well you should really talk to him about that it's his job."

Us:What about food? You can't cook are you going to live off of sandwiches and mac and cheese?"

Kayliegh:"Yes, I will learn."

Us: "Why are you in love again?"

Kayliegh: "As old as me and as tall as me"

Us: "Well I wish this was brought to my attention earlier on then I wouldn't have married Win because he isn't the same age as me or as tall as I am. But I think older men are better."

Kayliegh: "Yeah you should void it."

Us: "Well, your wedding is really soon. You have a lot of planning to do. You should just elope in Vegas!" (then we explained what it was to elope and tried to get her to go ask Win's permission. She wouldn't go ask him though.)

If only love and marriage were that easy. Man she has a lot to learn. My little man eater.

When boys dress like old ladies and beaver dams turn into assholes

As you know with a past post Kayliegh is no stranger to using foul language. But right before Easter she slipped up again this time using a different word besides her usual damn; in which she tries to cover up by explaining she is talking about beaver dams. A sly and witty child she is sometimes.

Let me set the mood here of the evening this occurred:

So it's right before Easter (I believe it was Friday or Saturday) and I decided I would treat Kayliegh with a fun activity. Usually when we do fun activities it usually ends with her complaining and whining about something and being sent to time-out or grounded. But this day was much different then the usual. On this day we made it through cupcake making with little or no whining and complaining. But since she ate sooo much icing and cake batter she was off the wall crazy person hyper. Which was totally my fault for letting her indulge in the deliciousness of it all. Because I too love eating cake batter. I often try to eat most of it first so that she can't. Yes, I take the fun away sometimes but it's too good to pass up.

So picture her running around the house like a wacko on crack. I tell her to sit down in the chair and chill out. The child cannot sit still for the life of her like a crackhead needs his crack... shaking and convulsing for more... okay she wasn't doing that but she might as well been. It's past her usual bed time at this point too which is making matters worse. I instruct her to go get some pj's, go pee, and get in the bath tub (which I filled up during her maniac sugar high of convulsing on the chair). Instead of doing so she begins hauling ass up and down the hallway. If you could really bounce of walls this is what she would be doing. I grabbed her by the arm and tell her to calm down and drag her hyper ass into the bathroom. I tell her to take off her pants and go pee and get in the bath again. This time she starts pulling down her pants to go to the bathroom and doing as I instruct then things take a sudden turn...

She looks at me while pulling her pants around her ankles gives me this straight faced devil eyed stare and the following word falls from her mouth...

"ASSSSSSHOOOOLE!"

Not just Asshole but she made sure to stretch the entire word out and use it with such viciousness and conviction without fear of what may happen to her. I of course pop her for using the word and yell at her telling her its a bad word and never to say it again. I tell her to get on the potty then in the bath...this time she does what is told without hesitation.

While she's in the bath I proceed to call Win and tell him what just happened. Knowing him and knowing he will get a kick out of it. Because Win thinks it's hilarious when children say bad words. After telling Win and hearing him laugh about it I go and talk to Kayliegh while she was in the bath and she told me the kid's say it at school.

Well a few days later when we drop off Kayliegh for school I hear a kid saying "Asshole" and getting in trouble for it. Then another little boy says it... it's like a vicious little circle of the word Asshole being thrown around. I soon leave (earlier on I had talked to her school about Kayliegh calling me it). Me and Win get in the car after dropping her off in the "Asshole" filled classroom. He proceeds to laugh about it and starts talking about boys dressed up in girls clothes...which I didn't even notice.

The next day or so I go to drop Kay off at school again and to my surprise I see all the little boys dressed up in woman's clothing frolicking around the classroom in little old lady hats, dresses, and heels (thier fathers would be proud- Win insists they must have been feed soy products). Not only are they dressed up like this they are shouting and chanting the following words "Asshole Bitch" over and over like a little old lady cult. At that point I could only shake my head at the teacher and wish her luck with her day and threatening Kayliegh what would happen if she dare repeat those words.

Win's Unplanned Exercise

We watched Marley and Me the other night, the movie with Jennifer Anniston and Owen Wilson. Without a doubt a very adorable and heart wrenching in all the right spots type of move. It had the perfect dose of comedy in it about their dog named Marley. If you haven't seen it...rent it and watch it! It doesn't matter if your male or female watch it.

On Tuesday of this week Kayliegh's fish, god rest it's little soul, passed away. I talk to Win and told him I want to go out this upcoming weekend and find her a new little pet to fill in for Jack the fish. Not wanting another fish instead maybe a turtle or frog or something more interesting and unique. He agrees and we have it in our heads that we will go out looking for something this weekend.

I go and pick up Kayliegh after she gets out of school. I tell her I'm going to take her to the library since it's raining outside and she's grounded from watching tv (since she refuses to listen and is stubborn... no idea who she gets this from haha). She's excited as we drive to the library but for some reason I get off track and want to find the Animal Shelter instead. She tells me I'm driving the wrong way. I then tell her about her friend Jack. She is a little saddened but I tell her we will find her a new pet friend. I then get directions to the Animal Shelter...figuring it's something fun and interesting to do.

Needless to say I am no longer allowed to go into the Animal Shelter and have been banned from it by Win because I walked out with a puppy (he's lucky I didn't get the kitten). I give her the name Marley since I just watched the movie and found the name so adorable and cool. But let me tell you something the name definitely fits her.

In the movie the dog gives Owen Wilson quite the chase sometimes when he gets loose. As soon as I get home I get this brilliant thought that the puppy will just stay in the yard and hardly move since it will be too scared and want to smell the grass. No this is not what happens at all instead she takes off running hauling ass as I chase her she runs even faster (she must be thinking oh what a fun game). After a few laps around the yard and my Jeep she comes to a distraction...Chaz's bone which is the size of her is laying in the yard. She starts licking it and looks as if she's going to take off again I start tip toeing to her telling her good girl get the bone... trying to persuade her to stay still. She's about to run just as I pounce on her and catch her. I bring her in the house.

When Win gets home the next day he too falls in love with this little puppy...who can't? But every time we open the front door she tries to run for her life. So we try to be really cautious about it. Until yesterday evening we have been able to keep her from running off. I got her a collar that now her leash will attach to so we don't have to make a slip knot on the leash and hope it snags in time.

I'm in the computer room and decide to go out and smoke a cigarette and see what Win and the dogs are up to outside. As I approach the door I see Win dart by in his bright ass green shirt and think what the hell is going on. I see Marley hauling as to the door I'm about to open and notice she is unleashed. I open the door and she hauls ass inside. Win gets up to the patio right behind her out of breath and hunched over. I ask him what happened and he says she got off her leash when her and Chaz were playing in the yard. I noticed her collar is on her so I said why didn't you attach her leash to her collar... this made him feel a little stupid I think haha. But then he goes into explanation of what happened.

Evidently the dogs were rough housing as they always do (she is quite feisty and can take our 85lb dog down by jumping on his back and biting his ankles) and her leash slipped off her neck. She took off running and Win along with Chaz chased her for many of laps around the yard and car (I did not tell him before that she did it to me the first day...I told him she tries to run so be careful). Win wasn't the one who caught her Chaz is the one who took her down by grabbing a hold of her ass. I know he got her by her ass because her hair was sticking up on her there.

Of course mental pictures keeping surfacing of Win, a grown man, chasing a little bitty puppy around in the yard with his bright green shirt on. I can't help but laughing. He's hunched over but is smirking about the whole ordeal. I then tell him it's okay because she did it to me the first day and told him my story about the bone.

So if she ever gets loose again I know now to send Chaz after her. But I told Win at least he got some exercise out of it and he then told me "your" dog. Which like in the first story we call it "your" dog when the dog does something wrong. So by just saying that I knew he was not happy with his unplanned exercise... but in my eyes it was not Marley's fault it was Win's for not using what a collar is designed for. HAHA. "OUR" dog!

The many adventures of Chaz

So I'm almost certain I could probably write quite an entertaining book about my life. Especially the adventures and surprises brought on by a 5 year little girl, a gentle giant German Shepherd named Chaz, and our newest addition a little mut puppy named Marley.

Chaz is one of most goofiest dogs I have been around. He is frumpy, not graceful because of his size, and has the biggest heart for a dog that I have seen. He is quite the comedian and a jerk sometimes. But the absolute best dog I have ever had. He loves the water and going to the lake but I swear he has the worst case of ADD.

When we take him to the lake he frolics around in the water and fetches sticks. We would of never taken him to be a swimmer at all. Considering last season he wouldn't swim in the water really. But now he is all about it. But ADD does kick in when he's swimming in the lake. As soon as a boat passes by he stops everything he does and waits impatiently for the waves from the boat going by to come to shore. He chases and tries to eat the waves hitting the shore. Hauling ass up and down the lake. If there is even the smallest chance of a wave you bet your ass Chaz is looking for it.

So Chaz loves the water that what bring me to this story...

We have a wireless fence system for Chaz... meaning a shock collar... if he goes out if his boundaries he will know. But needless to say on nice days I leave him outside so he can run and get his exercise since he's a large dog and needs it. Two days ago it was a nice morning so I left Chaz outside as I took Kayliegh to school... not a unusual thing to do with him in the least. Although he would much rather go on a car ride. He loves car rides as much as the water... if anyone dares open a trunk around him you best believe you will find a 85lb German Shepherd in it.

But anyways I get back from dropping Kayliegh off which only takes me about 25 minutes to drop her off and come back home. Usually when I get back home Chaz is usually sitting on the front porch or in the driveway area waiting for my arrival. But this day was not like most days. I did not see him waiting. I get out of the car and scan the front yard and call his name a few times and he does not run up to me when he hears me. I don't even hear the jingle of his collar. So I figure he must be running around the backyard and start to just go in the house and figure whatever he's having fun doing whatever. He usually will finds a log or concrete block and plays with it for an hour because he's not quite right in the head.

But for some reason I get a weird feeling and think something is not quite right. So I decide not to go in the house. I instead start walking around back calling for him. Still no answer. I'm now having many of thoughts of what this dog could be up to. I call him one last time and then look to my right. There he is...

He is inside the swimming pool which just got uncovered to get it ready for the nice weather. He is a rather large dog so he is standing on his hind legs with his paws up on the side of the pool. Standing there with his head tilted to the side and his ears perked up. If a dog could have a shitty smile of up to no good on his face Chaz had it right then. I yell at him to get out and he continues to just stare at me and not move. Then it comes to me he can't get out.

This massive heavy ass dog could not get out of the pool! GREEEAAAT! So I go into the gated pool area not even wondering how he got in the pool in the first place (doesn't even occur to me). I go to the side of the pool and call him over. I start pound on the deck with my hand calling him and trying to persuade him to climb out. He tries and tries but is unsuccessful. Now I'm like damn I hope he doesn't rip the pools lining. Then I'm thinking shiiiiit I have to pull this dog out. So I grab his collar while bracing myself to the deck railing and start pulling on him hoping to give him the boost to get out on his own. This is not working.

So I pull harder and harder and noooo he still can get up. So now I know I have to let go of the deck railing and use both hands and hope to god he doesn't pull me into the murky green bacteria filled pool. I grab his collar with both hands praying at the same time and give him a few strong yanks and lifts. FINALLY he gets out! Phhhhew right? Wrong!

Just when I was happy I didn't get pulled into the pool and get as wet as him. He decides he wants to show me how thankful he is for me being his lifeguard. He pounces on me which I was more concerned now of not falling backwards into the pool. Thankfully I didn't but now I'm soaked and pissed. I push him off frustrated that I'm wet and my dog is mischievous but of course I still find the whole incident humorous. Just when I thought I was wet enough. Nope he then decides to shake all the water off of himself and since I'm pinned in the corner enough where I couldn't move I got 100 times more wet. Now I smell just as much as he does. Mmmmm the smell of wet dog.

I call Win to tell him what "his" dog did... I call him "his" dog whenever Chaz gets in trouble or is up to no good or wants something and I'm to lazy to get it or do it for him. So Win laughs and said maybe I should take him to the lake because he wants to go swimming. I told him no F that he got enough swimming today.

So I'm in the house going about my business later in the day (cleaning- what I always seem to be doing) and I see Chaz up on the pool deck again. I'm like OH HELL NO... I yell at him and open the gate and tell him to get down. Now I'm wondering how the hell he got up there. Thinking he must of jumped the gate since it's not tall and goes as high as my waist. I go back inside and look out the window... I see him walking up the stairs towards the gate again.

This time I just watch and not yell at him because I want to know how he's doing it. You would think he would just jump over it but no this is not what he does. He decides his easiest route is to go under the railing and tight rope the 3 inch rim of the pool to get on the other side of the gate. He made it around fine... he must think he is cat-like. But remember I told he is not graceful at all. So I'm thinking he must of fell into the pool when he got stuck in it earlier in the morning.

Needles to say I think he is telling us it's time to get the pool ready for the nice weather. Which I totally agree with him.

Ummmm Yeah

So obviously I haven't posted anything in a loooong time. I enjoy starting new projects on a whim and not completing them. This what I do and am very good at it.

But not to worry I have lots of stories of things that have happened. This means lots of entertainment for you.